she woke up with a sticky ear
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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