i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
