with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
