Don't make out with my wife yet
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
