So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
