i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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