There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
