whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
