Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
high people should be assigned attendants
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
