I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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