i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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