Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
