1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
well I can't set my house on fire every night
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
