Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
