Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
