First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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