I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
