we're chasing vodka with high fives
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
