Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
