I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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