I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
