you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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