wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
