i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
