Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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