gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize