textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I would fuck him just for his dog
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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