no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
