Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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