i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
