I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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