Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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