My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
