I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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