It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
