Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
