in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
