anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
