At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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