My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
