o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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