I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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