its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So many bounce houses so little time
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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