last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
