I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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