so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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