He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
3 2 1 whiskey
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
