I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
