Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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