I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
