The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
