while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
