Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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