Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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