Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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