Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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