I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
