filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
