What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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