made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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