I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize