He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
